The Rantings of Deb

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Sex Vs Running!

My husband made the statement last night "you have replaced sex with running!" The wine I was drinking came flying out of my nose and let me tell you pinot noir burns the nasal tissue!

Apparently Scott is jealous of the time I spend running. I replaced my smoking habit with a running habit. I did not however replace sex with running. He went on and on about how it is the most important thing to me and he feels like as soon as I get home I am running out the door to go run. Blah freaking blah. I laughed and then it hit me, he was seriously complaining about me running. I stopped laughing and sat back and thought for a minute and tried to compose my thoughts so I wouldn't start cussing him out about how completely selfish he is.

I calmy took his hand and told him:

If you really think for one minute I have replaced sex with running, I am sorry. But let me tell you what I think ok? I think that you are mad because 5 days a week I take 45 minutes and spend it on me just me noone else. For 45 minutes I get Debra time. It is the most precious and most dear time to me. It is time I used to quit smoking. It is time I use to pound the pavement and let my stress melt away so that I don't kill you or Sophia. It is the time I use to ground myself so that I can focus on you and our family. It is important to me. I am going to be completely selfish and tell you there is absolutely 100% no way in hell I am going to give that up. I need it and you having a man moment and suggesting that I am not giving you enough sex time because in that 45 minutes normally I would be scurrying around the house cleaning is crap!

I think when I get home today and strap on those lovely running shoes that I adore so much, because nike made this thing that goes in my shoe that connects with my ipod that tells me how far, how fast, and how many calories I have used, I will smile at my husband and say "I am going to go fuck the shit out of the street!"

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Time to be Real

All my life I dreamed about the perfect man and the perfect marriage and the perfect family and the perfect life and the realization that I have none of those dreams is a hard reality to face. I chose an okay man, because I didn't think I was worthy of more and honestly didn't spend anytime really looking. He is a great father, he is a great guy, but as a husband not so much.

I love to yell and scream about how I don't need a man to provide for me, that anything I need or my family needs I can provide just fine and it doesn't matter which one of us gets it as long as one of us does because we are a team. Yeah that is bullshit. The truth is it shouldn't matter who gets it because we are a team, but it does matter to me. I want to be taken care of. I want to be allowed to chase my dreams, even if my dream is just the perfect haircut or those cute shoes!! I do not want to be the one pulling our little family up this steep hill all by myself without there ever being any help. When do I get to be taken care of? What about me????

Scott is out of work again. When he told me I wanted to scream and bitch and moan. I didn't. Even though that was how he reacted to me when I got laid off he blamed me told me I was worthless and beat me down. I hugged him and pulled him close and said it's okay baby, we will be fine. His response, Oh I am not worried about it, it was just a job, I will find another one.

Really??? How the fuck are you not upset? How are you not concerned? How are you not worried about how we will make it???? How does it not cross your mind that I might just decide to cut the dead weight and run and hope that someday I can depend on some child support?? Because really the reality is quite simply this, I can support Sophia and I financially. I can not support another mouth, another vehicle another gas bill, another person to insure, cloth, shoe, and feed!!!!! Sophia can't get a job and bring in some income to help but you can and it is YOUR JOB TO PROVIDE!!!! You are the man!

I know, I know all the feminist women I love and respect are shaking there heads at me, go ahead shake them!

Thursday, October 08, 2009

For My Paw-Paw

it has almost been 4 years since my Paw-Paw died. It has been 6 years since I lost him and 12 years since I learned I would loose him long before he died. My Paw-Paw had Alzheimer's. He passed away with the mind of a child without any recollection of who any of us were.

I remember hugging him good-bye 6 years ago and knowing he would not know me again. It was heart wrenchingly painful to watch him slip away. He was never angry in his illness, he was like a sweet loving child. 6 months before he died I curled up in his arms in his hospital bed begging him to remember me, feeding him chocolates (his favorite) and asking, "Paw-Paw do you know who I am?" His response was always the same, "No but I know that I love you." I would respond with "I am your grand daughter, the first girl born to your family name in 300 years and I love you so very much!" I would place a chocolate in his mouth and ask again, "Paw-Paw do you know who I am?" The response was always the same "No but I know I love you."

I am walking in memory of him in hopes that one day they will find a cure. Please help me reach my goal in raising money for the Memory Walk here in Houston by following the link below!

Follow this Link

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

No More Dirty Diapers!!!!!

I danced around singing "mommy is a big girl, Mommy went pee-pee in the potty!!!!" "Mommy gets a sticker cause Mommy is a big girl!!!!" I did this all day Saturday and Sunday. Sophia screamed, "NO MOMMY I WANT STICKER!!!" I calmly explained only big girls who pee-pee in the potty get stickers. She stuck out her lip and stomped to the potty, pulled down her pants and big girl panties and promptly climbed up and went pee-pee. She smiled and we danced and she yanked the sticker off my shirt and placed it on her own and said "SEE MOMMY I AM THE BIG GIRL I GET STICKER!"

We did this routine all day Saturday and Sunday. No accidents. She woke up from her naps dry but needing to potty and she woke up Monday and today dry. No more diapers. I know she will have accidents, but she is wanting the big prize at the end the week. A whole book of stickers. (Carm the tricycle will come when the accidents are completely gone!)

I tried everything, cookies, candy, brownies, begging pleading, crying...

Who would have thought my 2 year old would be so obsessed with stickers that they would do the trick? Oh happy day!!! My baby girl is a big girl now!!!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I am not a quitter.

I am not a failure.

I am still running....

I may not strap my shoes on at the butt crack of dawn everyday, but the days I don't I force myself to strap them on before super. The pounding of that pavement and the loosening of my muscles as I run, the burn that shoots through my calves, my thighs, and my enormous ghetto bootie are intoxicating to me. Sasha runs faithfully alongside of me and it no longer seems as though she is pulling me most of the way, just maybe the last leg and I am getting stronger.

So now I have a new task to face a new way only I can prove to myself that I am a success, that is to quit smoking and sign up for my very first half marathon. I can do this. I will do this. My quit date is October 1st.

However I am not a quitter so I need a new word for it, any suggestions?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Potty Training

I am at a loss when it comes to the whole potty training thing. Sophia is ready, I know she is ready, she hates her diapers and refuses to wear them unless it is bedtime. I have bought her tons of big girl panties with elmo, tinker bell, and dora. She picked them out, she loves them. She completely understands that we don't want to get them dirty. She loves to sit on the toilet. She loves the feel of toilet paper on her cookie. But she will not pee or poo there.

She will peel off those cute panties and and pee and poo all over the floor then come and get you and say "ook mommy sasha go tee tee" or "ook mommy sasha go poo poo, yucky!" Why is she blaming the dog????? Why will she not go on the potty??? What am I not doing right here? I set a timer and every 30 minutes we spend 5 minutes on the potty. I know she knows she has to go, I remind her where to go, I let her watch me go, she is fascinated by either Scott or I using the potty, so how do I get her to use it?

HELP!!!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Am I Alone?

Lately I find myself wondering just how healthy is it to look at the greener pastures and allow myself to fantasize. I know that I am never going to do anything. I also know that the grass really isn't greener and that this other person has just as many flaws as my husband, they are just different flaws. But yet I find myself fantasizing.

He has become a friend to my husband and we have weekly dinners with him. I realize that the only way to stop this is to stop the weekly dinners, to end the friendship because clearly I am not having healthy thoughts, but I don't want to. I don't want to because I don't want to hurt my husband by saying hey I can't get this guy out of my head. I don't want to tell this guy hey no more hanging out because I can't get you outta my head. I don't want to because, hey I really don't want to admit to all of this and look like a bad wife.

So how unhealthy is it really? Does my husband realize that everytime he leaves we have sex. Does he realize I don't open my eyes? Is it okay for me to spark up our sex life with this? I want to think this is normal. I want to say it doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you always eat at home....But is all of this okay?